Yes. I am back. It's been a while hasn't it? Just like my weight loss efforts, I have an on again, off again blogging style, LOL.
I'm not even going to say what I've been doing. Well, at least I don't want to say it. I don't want to say that I've been slacking off, feeding my face and anything that I've lost thus far, it's safe to say that I’ve gained it all back!
But, I am back on the bandwagon. Starting sometime last week, LOL, I started walking everyday on the track. Beautiful weather, allergies in check, fat that needs to come off. Makes for a great walking spree! So I'm proud of myself. I'm going anti-scale, though. Something about seeing a huge number staring back at me only makes me depressed. Depression makes me want to eat more to get rid of the depression!
I went to the doctors a couple times this month (allergy season really hit me hard. I'm on REAL allergy meds. Not some lame OTC's, LOL). Getting on that scale and having my doctor tell me the precise amount of weight I've gained since my last visit was no kind of fun. So, I'm determined to be at least ten pounds down by my next visit later next month. I owe it to myself to be healthy...but bla bla bla. I've said all that before.
Just with my dream of becoming a writer, weight loss (1) doesn't happen overnight, and (2) doesn't happen if all you're doing is picturing yourself at your ideal weight. LOL, well that's pretty much all I've been doing. Wishing I was a size eight, hating all the size eight people, all while inhaling a box of chocolates. You never get anywhere by dreaming alone. MLK had a dream. So he organized a march, and gave a speech. Would've done more if some idiot hadn't killed him. But his dream helped get me and people like me where we are today. He could've kept his dreams to himself, but what good would that have done? Perhaps he'd still be living, but I think he would've rather made a difference - even if it meant dying for it. He knew the era he was in. He could've easily kept quiet and stuck with the status quo. But he didn't. He had a dream, and then he took action.
Now I know that's a rather harsh comparison. MLK wanted to change the world. I just want to shed a few dozen pounds, LOL. And I could go on and on with the list of "dreamers" who made moves and forced those dreams into reality. But it really doesn't matter the size of your dream. It just matters that you don't stop there. So with that said, I am back on the weight loss bandwagon. I wish I could add something cliché, like, "And I'm here to stay!" But...one small step at a time, people. One small step at a time.
]]>Dear J.F.,
I must apologize. I have been taking advantage of you for so long - and blaming you for my problems. You know, my severely expanding waistline, my rapid depletion of breath and energy, my thereisnojoyinshoppinganymore-itis... among other things. After a long, hard day I'd race into the grocery store for no other reason than to find you - in any form I felt like having you. I'd wait for minutes in a fast food line just for the satisfaction you bring to my mouth, my tastebuds, my soul.
I've tried to avoid you, but my efforts to avoid you haven't been successful. You're simply unavoidable, and I can't take it anymore. Why is it that everywhere I look, there you are, looking back at me? I can't even drive without seeing the bright flashing lights of one of your numerous fast food chains. In the grocery store, I can't even check my items out without you gawking at me. I might have a cart filled with healthy choices, but once I lay eyes on you, I'm immediately reminded of all the day's problems, all my life's current stresses, and all of a sudden I'm telling myself how much I need you. All of a sudden I'm back to browsing down the aisles. This time, I'm looking for something to calm me down, relieve my stress, and make me happy - and I usually find it in you.
I've been treating you like you're some kind of therapist. You're not a shrink, J.F., you're junk food. You're sugary, fattening, calorie infested, greasy....and oddly and unfortunately, great tasting. You're not a form of therapy. You're not a substitution for loving relationships, a remedy for a hard day at work, and you're not a solution for all of life's problems. But that's how myself and others have been using you, either now, or at some point in our lives.
Maybe it's my lack of decent self-control and will power. My lack of 'doing the right thing' maturity. In a perfect world, I'd be able to handle you. But this is no perfect world, and I'm no perfect woman - so I know it's me with the problem. I just can't seem to control myself when I'm around you and it's crazy!
What I should have done is taken more time to get to know you and see what you're really worth. If I had taken the time to notice your nutritional value - or even care for that matter - then perhaps I wouldn't have been so committed to this dysfunctional relationship. I've been looking for love and peace in all the wrong places, and I don't think you were put on this earth to live up to my high standards. You were created to be a pleasant, tasty treat, for every once in a while. But I've used you, abused you, cursed you, and ignored you. You don't deserve all that negativity and stress. You're too good for that.
I mean, it's not like you can talk, but you still manage to tell people what they're getting into as soon as they pick you up. But like me; most people who abuse you only want you for one reason - to relive themselves of stress. We've all failed to take a deeper look and see what's really inside you, and what you really have to offer.
J.F., I am seeking to find healing for the disorders listed in the beginning, and there's only one thing holding me back. J.F., that thing is you. The sad part is, you don't even know it. You can't put up a fight when I pick you up off the shelf. You can't jump out of the french-fry pit, land on the windshield of my Saturn and start screaming, "Please! Don't do this to yourself!" A big juicy cheeseburger doesn't remind me how much fat and how many calories are contained in each bite. Sodas don't remind me how many pounds I'll save myself from if I avoid them altogether (any guesses on what I'm eating right now?).
My point is, I've been mistreating you, and overworking you. Hell, I'm practically putting you through slavery! You should be charging me for all the services you provide for me. I work my anger out on you, my frustration, my stress, even my happiness. Got a raise at work? Let me treat myself to a box of HoHo's or something.......
J.F., I'm sorry for all of that. This whole time I've been hating you for what you have done/have been doing to my body and I'm sorry. You're not my enemy; I am my own enemy. I am overweight, unhealthy and can't fit into my clothes because of me - not you. Yes; it's me, not you.
So J.F., I wish I could say this is the end of our friendship; but knowing me and my uncontrollable taste buds, will and emotions......and knowing you and your irresistible (and therapeutic) taste........I'm just going to keep hope alive and pray for the best. I'm glad I've had this opportunity to get this down in writing, though.
J.F., you and I can have an amazing relationship; one that is stable and healthy at that. But if it seems like I am distancing myself, it's because I am! I need to, in order to make the relationship between us better. Please, don't get offended, but understand that if our relationship doesn't get better; it might just cost me my life.
Best Wishes,
Tina
It's been a rough few weeks, you know. Lagging behind in school.......and now I am officially wondering: Is college even for me? I mean, I want to be a writer and of course, I'm gonna need a dayjob for now. Not too many debut authors making millions.....or thousands, really. Hundreds? Let's pray I at least get that, lol!!!!
But I am working on sooo many projects right now. I'm preparing a piece to submit to the literary magazine at my school. I'm working on some paying/non paying gigs I saw of craigslist (right now, I just wanna write....). I am also working on my first novel.
With all that going on, school is an afterthought, LOL, and what I actually plan on doing for next semester is taking the money I'd normally be paying in tuition and applying it to my credit cards. I am in so much debt and I need to be free. Lack of debt may not buy me happiness, but it will get me a get-out-of-stress free card! And......my car will be PAID for as of July, so that money's going straight to the credit cards as well.
So, I'm feeling okay with my new debt elimination plan, and even though I'm putting school on the back burner, it will be well worth it to never owe anybody anything ever again.
Now, to the point of this blog.....
I hopped on the scale….afraid....but discovered that I have lost yet another ONE pound. Weight loss for me is a creepy crawly process. That thing about not avoiding your cravings when you have them - there's truth in that! You try to ignore your cravings and when - yes, when - you give in....to hell with health! INDULGE is all you hear! If you do anything, don't ignore your cravings! I had a taste for some M&M's. One small bag of M&M's was all I wanted. I ended up ignoring the craving for about a week. Once I could no longer fight it I bought the whole large bag and killed the bag in nearly one sitting. Don't ignore your cravings. I saw the small check-out lane bag - ignored it and turned an anthill into a mountain!
But nonetheless, I have been neglecting the gym, as it's getting more boring by the minute. I walked around the track when it was slightly warm outside....but that was....one day? So instead I hop on my treadmill in my basement and watch the Style network on my television. I use my ten pound hand weights while watching Top Model. Sometimes - and I do mean sometimes - I wake up in the morning and Walk Away the Pounds, with Leslie Sansone. Or I may do some Pilates with Lori Windsor (Winsor?).
I'm not drinking nearly enough water as I started out drinking. I've picked up the nasty Soda habit again – though thankfully, I’m not a heavy drinker like I used to be, LOL. I never crave Sodas, but at work, they're in the fridge and I can't resist a cold Sprite when I see one, LOL. Eating breakfast and getting enough sleep are also my downfalls. I'm a night owl, and what's worse is that I was contemplating getting a night job to help me get out of debt....not a great idea. I decided to sacrifice school instead.
What else am I not doing? That's about it. I'm still a chocolate addict.....had some Robin Eggs today! Had some Peeps last week. Had some cake yesterday........This is why I was trying to avoid my cravings because there are to danged many of them!!!
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