Dear J.F.,
I must apologize. I have been taking advantage of you for so long - and blaming you for my problems. You know, my severely expanding waistline, my rapid depletion of breath and energy, my thereisnojoyinshoppinganymore-itis... among other things. After a long, hard day I'd race into the grocery store for no other reason than to find you - in any form I felt like having you. I'd wait for minutes in a fast food line just for the satisfaction you bring to my mouth, my tastebuds, my soul.
I've tried to avoid you, but my efforts to avoid you haven't been successful. You're simply unavoidable, and I can't take it anymore. Why is it that everywhere I look, there you are, looking back at me? I can't even drive without seeing the bright flashing lights of one of your numerous fast food chains. In the grocery store, I can't even check my items out without you gawking at me. I might have a cart filled with healthy choices, but once I lay eyes on you, I'm immediately reminded of all the day's problems, all my life's current stresses, and all of a sudden I'm telling myself how much I need you. All of a sudden I'm back to browsing down the aisles. This time, I'm looking for something to calm me down, relieve my stress, and make me happy - and I usually find it in you.
I've been treating you like you're some kind of therapist. You're not a shrink, J.F., you're junk food. You're sugary, fattening, calorie infested, greasy....and oddly and unfortunately, great tasting. You're not a form of therapy. You're not a substitution for loving relationships, a remedy for a hard day at work, and you're not a solution for all of life's problems. But that's how myself and others have been using you, either now, or at some point in our lives.
Maybe it's my lack of decent self-control and will power. My lack of 'doing the right thing' maturity. In a perfect world, I'd be able to handle you. But this is no perfect world, and I'm no perfect woman - so I know it's me with the problem. I just can't seem to control myself when I'm around you and it's crazy!
What I should have done is taken more time to get to know you and see what you're really worth. If I had taken the time to notice your nutritional value - or even care for that matter - then perhaps I wouldn't have been so committed to this dysfunctional relationship. I've been looking for love and peace in all the wrong places, and I don't think you were put on this earth to live up to my high standards. You were created to be a pleasant, tasty treat, for every once in a while. But I've used you, abused you, cursed you, and ignored you. You don't deserve all that negativity and stress. You're too good for that.
I mean, it's not like you can talk, but you still manage to tell people what they're getting into as soon as they pick you up. But like me; most people who abuse you only want you for one reason - to relive themselves of stress. We've all failed to take a deeper look and see what's really inside you, and what you really have to offer.
J.F., I am seeking to find healing for the disorders listed in the beginning, and there's only one thing holding me back. J.F., that thing is you. The sad part is, you don't even know it. You can't put up a fight when I pick you up off the shelf. You can't jump out of the french-fry pit, land on the windshield of my Saturn and start screaming, "Please! Don't do this to yourself!" A big juicy cheeseburger doesn't remind me how much fat and how many calories are contained in each bite. Sodas don't remind me how many pounds I'll save myself from if I avoid them altogether (any guesses on what I'm eating right now?).
My point is, I've been mistreating you, and overworking you. Hell, I'm practically putting you through slavery! You should be charging me for all the services you provide for me. I work my anger out on you, my frustration, my stress, even my happiness. Got a raise at work? Let me treat myself to a box of HoHo's or something.......
J.F., I'm sorry for all of that. This whole time I've been hating you for what you have done/have been doing to my body and I'm sorry. You're not my enemy; I am my own enemy. I am overweight, unhealthy and can't fit into my clothes because of me - not you. Yes; it's me, not you.
So J.F., I wish I could say this is the end of our friendship; but knowing me and my uncontrollable taste buds, will and emotions......and knowing you and your irresistible (and therapeutic) taste........I'm just going to keep hope alive and pray for the best. I'm glad I've had this opportunity to get this down in writing, though.
J.F., you and I can have an amazing relationship; one that is stable and healthy at that. But if it seems like I am distancing myself, it's because I am! I need to, in order to make the relationship between us better. Please, don't get offended, but understand that if our relationship doesn't get better; it might just cost me my life.
Best Wishes,
Tina
I've been getting my exercise on these days! I recently got back involved with my church's dance ministry. I am a dancer. I have been taking dance since I was five or six years old. I've taken ballet, tap, jazz, lyrical jazz, modern, african and hip-hop dance styles. After many years of dancing I became a dance teacher. Last year I stopped dancing and teaching, however. I thought my boogie shoes were hung up for good! But.....no such luck.
Ever since discovering my passion for writing and wanting to make that my career; I no longer care so much for teaching dance and dancing. I still like dance, I guess - but it's just not something I want to do right now. But dance ministry participation is soooo low at our church. And we've got such a HUGE church! The lady in charge of the ministry just had a baby and needs a break- and it turns out my friend Stephanie stepped up to run the ministry for her while she does that. The lady only had a couple faithful dancers - which was crazy. Many people would sign up to participate but when the time came for the rehearsals, only a couple of people or less would actually show up.
So when the choir requested the presence of the dancers a rehearsal was scheduled - but no one showed up to learn the stinking dance! So Stephanie showed up at my house with a radio in her hand. I blinked my eyes and before I knew it I was dancing again! At first I was angry...but then I was like...I need all the exercise I can get! Why not?! LOL.
Okay, I wasn't really angry - but you know how you get when you find yourself doing things you don't feel like doing just to make other people happy? Well in this case, I wanted to make my friend happy. She needed me, and the choir needed me too - so I stepped up to the plate. Wasn't thrilled about it, but I did it anyway, LOL.
But at any rate it was a fine work-out. A well needed work-out. And dancing for four services made it a REAL work-out, you know what I mean? Imagine having to do that every week! I think I wouldn't have this blog....LOL....
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In my efforts to lose weight and get some nutritional pointers; I am hiring a personal trainer. Actually, my mother and I are hiring him together! We both need to lose weight and though our efforts are getting us by inch by inch, we know we need someone to push us into turning that inch into a foot. I would LOVE to turn that inch into a foot!
Now I'm cheap. So this is a stretch for me. If there's a cheaper alternative to what I'm doing then I'm going to choose the cheaper alternative. However........my cheaper alternative to hiring a personal trainer is subscribing to every fitness magazine that exists! Those offered a few pointers here and there; but I'd be back to a size nine by now if those actually helped. All these magazines offered were lose ten pounds in a week gimmicks!
My other alternatives were buying books by Dr. Oz, and Bob Greene, and even Dr. Ian from celebrity Fit Club. But those were so confusing because they all have different opinions on how to lose weight. I just need to know how a regular person loses weight; no diets, no tricks, no gimmicks, no nothing. Yes, I want to change my eating habits. But no, I do not want to eat beans all day, Dr. Ian! I just want to learn how to eat healthy, and learn exercises specifically tailored to my needs.
A personal trainer costs a lot more money than those mags and books, but he can definitely help me get where I need to go. Plus, those magazines don't shout at me when I'm being lazy. When you pay for a personal trainer, you're paying for someone to push you to your limit and beyond...because we can really go beyond what we feel our 'limit' is. I need that extra push. I am so tired of shopping and finding nothing to fit me. Can I once again find love in shopping for clothes? I have become a technology freak now...the money I used to spend on building up my wardrobe now goes to the latest iPod, Cell Phone, GPS system...let's see...what else have I bought? LOL....I know it's vain but I want to find pleasure in going shopping once again. Yesterday I went into Target to buy a shirt. A simple shirt. It took me an hour to do so. Not because I didn't find anything I liked - I found tons of things I liked! But I couldn't find anything in my size and it hurt! It really made me angry at myself (and at these stores for thinking anybody over a XL needs to wear ugly things or pay extra for it).
I also want to find pleasure in looking in the mirror. I want to look at myself and love the face staring back at me. Now, I look at myself and I see a fat face that used to be skinny, a double chin that used to walk alone, flabby arms that used to look strong and defined, a stomach hanging over my pants that used to be hidden inside, flabby thighs that used to be sexy and firm, 42DD's that used to be...well, you get the picture...
And a personal trainer isn't a magician, and I'm not going to treat him as such. I still have to put forth the effort even when he's not around. It's my responsibility to learn as much as I can from him and put all that he teaches me into practice. It's my responsibility to make the changes; he only tells me how to go about it. If I still insist on eating a pound of M&M's and five Mr. Goodbar's and a box of Mike & Ike's all in one sitting; then ALL that's on me. I have to put forth the effort. I have to work hard, I have to make the changes. My personal trainer already has a healthy, strong body - inside and out. He's already there. Now it's my turn; and I need his help. Maybe when I'm buff and tough I'll be able to help someone else!
]]>It's been a rough few weeks, you know. Lagging behind in school.......and now I am officially wondering: Is college even for me? I mean, I want to be a writer and of course, I'm gonna need a dayjob for now. Not too many debut authors making millions.....or thousands, really. Hundreds? Let's pray I at least get that, lol!!!!
But I am working on sooo many projects right now. I'm preparing a piece to submit to the literary magazine at my school. I'm working on some paying/non paying gigs I saw of craigslist (right now, I just wanna write....). I am also working on my first novel.
With all that going on, school is an afterthought, LOL, and what I actually plan on doing for next semester is taking the money I'd normally be paying in tuition and applying it to my credit cards. I am in so much debt and I need to be free. Lack of debt may not buy me happiness, but it will get me a get-out-of-stress free card! And......my car will be PAID for as of July, so that money's going straight to the credit cards as well.
So, I'm feeling okay with my new debt elimination plan, and even though I'm putting school on the back burner, it will be well worth it to never owe anybody anything ever again.
Now, to the point of this blog.....
I hopped on the scale….afraid....but discovered that I have lost yet another ONE pound. Weight loss for me is a creepy crawly process. That thing about not avoiding your cravings when you have them - there's truth in that! You try to ignore your cravings and when - yes, when - you give in....to hell with health! INDULGE is all you hear! If you do anything, don't ignore your cravings! I had a taste for some M&M's. One small bag of M&M's was all I wanted. I ended up ignoring the craving for about a week. Once I could no longer fight it I bought the whole large bag and killed the bag in nearly one sitting. Don't ignore your cravings. I saw the small check-out lane bag - ignored it and turned an anthill into a mountain!
But nonetheless, I have been neglecting the gym, as it's getting more boring by the minute. I walked around the track when it was slightly warm outside....but that was....one day? So instead I hop on my treadmill in my basement and watch the Style network on my television. I use my ten pound hand weights while watching Top Model. Sometimes - and I do mean sometimes - I wake up in the morning and Walk Away the Pounds, with Leslie Sansone. Or I may do some Pilates with Lori Windsor (Winsor?).
I'm not drinking nearly enough water as I started out drinking. I've picked up the nasty Soda habit again – though thankfully, I’m not a heavy drinker like I used to be, LOL. I never crave Sodas, but at work, they're in the fridge and I can't resist a cold Sprite when I see one, LOL. Eating breakfast and getting enough sleep are also my downfalls. I'm a night owl, and what's worse is that I was contemplating getting a night job to help me get out of debt....not a great idea. I decided to sacrifice school instead.
What else am I not doing? That's about it. I'm still a chocolate addict.....had some Robin Eggs today! Had some Peeps last week. Had some cake yesterday........This is why I was trying to avoid my cravings because there are to danged many of them!!!
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Well, I am proud to say that I’ve lost one pound, which brings my total of pounds lost to seven. Now, it’s been a while sense I’ve been on a scale. Mainly because I know I haven’t been eating too well and I was afraid of seeing what the numbers would be. But I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers and stepped on anyway, because for the past week or two, I have been trying to get back on the ‘weight loss straight and narrow.’ Though I could have been a lot LESS lazy and ‘slackerish,’ I am proud to say that my efforts somewhere along the way have kept me from gaining. I thought I was headed downhill, and I may very well be if I don’t pull it totally together fast! But that one lousy pound serves as a great booster. I have my work out clothes in my trunk. My Ipod has been updated with fresh music and television shows, I just received my new issue of Fitness Magazine in the mail, and now I’m ready to go, lol.........
Losing weight is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Losing weight starts with the mind. It starts with wanting it. It starts by knowing you deserve more, and knowing you were created for more – and all being overweight does is slow you down. Well it slows me down. Some overweight person is going, “nuh-uh girl, I’mma be movin’ regardless…..” Well good for you. I have never felt more sluggish in my whole 25 years of living. I have never experienced back pain, knee pain, or ankle pain – for no reason. Normally, if I were to experience pain in any of these areas, it would be because I fell, or lifted something too heavy or did something else to cause an injury. But to sometimes feel like I can’t even get out of the bed in the morning? Ridiculous. My frame is too small to be carrying around all this extra baggage. If you’re fat and you’re happy with yours, live your life. I want something more for my life, though. Losing weight, as with any goal you have requires self control, endurance, tenacity and perseverance; so you can finish what you started.
So I lost one pound. I was slacking off so hard I’m surprised I didn’t gain ten! I guess I will never understand the mystery of weight loss – but who am I to complain? I’m going to keep working hard and I am going to set my first goal right now: By April 19th, 2008, my 26th birthday, I will be 20 pounds down. Not only does that mean that the 200’s are gone FOREVER, but that means I have to get to work NOW!!!
]]>I joined the fitness club at my church called Z-Fit 4 Life (www.zionchurchonline.com)! It’s a bunch of women working out trying to get our temples in the condition God wants them in. I have to take as many measures I can, because I need as much help as I can get! LOL……
One of the things I hate about allowing myself to gain all this weight is that I never want to be seen like this! I hate it when I run into old friends, schoolmates, and boyfriends, whom last time we saw each other, I was a healthy size eight. Or at least a ten or twelve! Now, my twelves have turned into fourteens, and my fourteens have turned into sixteens! As soon as people started telling me about sales at Lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart, I knew I was in trouble! I know in the back of these old friends’ minds, they’re thinking, “Boy did Christina let herself GO!” I hate it, especially when the old boyfriends come around. Good job showing those jerks what they’re missing out on chica!
Perhaps I have a poor self-image – but I don’t want to be fat anymore. I have a right to desire a healthy body. I have a right to want to lay off the chocolate and sodas and make healthier decisions. I have a right to want to exercise. I got involved at church because I see most of these women once or twice a week – and by us joining forces, I’m hoping to get some type of support or accountability network going. I have every right to desire that for myself. My self-image may be poor, because my health is poor. I have let myself go. I have been lazy in my attempts to lose weight. Even as I type, I am all talk and no action. Moving at a snail’s pace has been pretty much what I’ve been about, and though I am sooooooooooooo tired of it, am I really ready to move on? Am I really ready to move further? Or do I find so much comfort in eating that I am choosing not to find other ways to deal with stress?
I have a
birthday coming up in April, a wedding to attend in June and my cousin and BFF
are trying to drag me on a plane to the Dominican Republic in October – and by
then I better look GOOD! But my point is,
I can hope and dream of meeting my resolution to lose twenty pounds before my April
19th birthday. I can hope and
dream to lose ten or more before that wedding I have to go to in June (because I
HATE dressing up – and if I have to dress up, I want to look good). And I want to be down forty to fifty pounds before
hitting the Dominican Republic beaches.
When old friends see me I want them to see a healthy me - not a short, stubby, girl who looks like she's trying to wear baggy, 'comfortable' clothes to hide her fat but it's not really working. But I have to work for all that.
Weight loss doesn’t come easy, and I am starting to realize that more than anything – it’s a battle of
the mind! Before exercising on the regular, and before learning the right foods to eat, you have to start on the emotional aspects of eating. Why do you eat? If you're eating and your stomach ain't rumbling - then you're not hungry, so why are you eating? Because you had a bad day and you feel like you deserve it? Because you're bored and lonely and you feel you need to go cook something to make the time fly by? Because it's there? You know you weren't thinking about eating chicken until you drove by the KFC! It's all in your mind, and once you win the war in your mind - I am almost certain that the rest comes easy! But the question is, how the (bleep) do you do that? LOL.......Are there such things as "Food Therapists?"